Two Very Different Types of Intimacy*
Intimacy and couple's dynamic
Every
couple is unique in the way they are intimate with each other. It is
determined by each partner's individual experience and need for
intimacy with their lover and also the dynamic that develops during
the relationship. As we get to know each other better, we either
appreciate the parts they are self-disclosing or find out things that
we would have preferred not to know. This is where the couple dynamic
with intimacy starts to form itself. When someone is self-disclosing
to their partner, there is an inevitable reaction on both ends. The
first reaction comes from the partner receiving the self-disclosure,
which can be either acceptance or rejection of the new element that
is being introduced. The second counter-reaction comes from the
person that self-discloses, who then evaluates if it was a good or
bad idea to share this intimate information with their lover.
Reciprocal Intimacy
This
type of intimacy is what our society tends to promote in the media
and amongst friends and family. It is the safe form of intimacy where
we only self-disclose personal information that we know our partner
will accept and not reject us (sexual fantasies, seducing in a
different manner, proposing a new sexual style, etc.). We also expect
the other to reciprocate immediately after wards, so we don't put
ourselves in too much of a vulnerable position with them.
Sounds
great at first glance. No one gets hurt, we don't have to be too
vulnerable and it feels like an equal relationship; in other words
SAFE. We also call this type of intimacy “other validated
intimacy”, which means you are searching for validation from the
other when you self-disclose. We can't BE who we truly are unless our
partner accepts us that way. Hence, we hide behind this false image
of who we are so that we don't feel rejected.
On
the other hand we can easily see how in the long run this can become
problematic. If we are only willing to divulge as much information as
your partner is willing to accept with open arms, it comes to a point
where the couple stagnates in their growth as individuals. If we are
only willing to talk about issues that won't make us potentially feel
rejection or hurt our partner, it leads to major conflicts in the
couple never being addressed.
For
example, sex hasn't been the best lately, but we don't tell our
partner to avoid hurting their feelings. On the same front, we don't
try to change the sexual dynamic because we are afraid we'll be
judged by our partner of our sexual preferences. We are afraid
they'll reject us, laugh at us, or even humiliate us. This path
inevitably leads to sexual boredom and a decrease in sexual desire
for one or both partners, because everyone wants to play SAFE
in the couple. Safety is not what creates sexual desire and
erotism.
Self-Validated Intimacy
This
form of intimacy is hard and requires a lot of self-soothing. It only
takes one partner to be this way for it to work. This type allows a
person to be vulnerable in front of their partner, show who they
actually are sexually; quirks, issues, weirdness and funkiness
included, without looking for approval and validation from the other.
People who are capable of self-validated intimacy know who they are
and proud of themselves. In the face of rejection they are capable
of self-soothing and accept the differences between them and
their partner. When they have something difficult to say to their
partner, they can deal with the reaction and the distance it causes.
Rejecting
or being rejected is difficult for everyone, especially when it comes
from a partner. It is a part of us or them that is not loved. It
forces us to face the fact that we are not entirely lovable, sexy or
competent lovers in all regards. People who validate themselves from
others on most aspects have a really hard time with rejection. When
they need to reject or feel rejected on one element of who they are,
they generalize it to their whole person. They lack the capacity to
self-sooth and confront themselves. They don't perceive it as an
opportunity to grow as a person, but as a threat to their identity.
Francois Renaud M.A.
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MORE ON: Sexual Intimacy & Sexual Desire
Other
related articles:
Couple’s Communication Issues or Unable to Tolerate Intimacy?
* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch
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