The sexologist: Construct a healthier couple’s dynamic

How to Construct and Maintain it

Once you’ve figured your type of alliance, it is important to understand that it only takes one partner to change it so that is becomes collaborative.

What Is a Collaborative Alliance?

A collaborative alliance works out and reinforces our 4 points of balance. This type of alliance requires that you see your couple as a team and that you are prepared to confront yourself and your partner when the time comes when they are not holding up to the collaborative alliance. It is the capacity for each individual to evaluate and self-criticize by taking your responsibility by promoting honesty with yourself and to your partner.

Ingredients to a Good Collaborative Alliance

Taking the time to self-confront about our implication in the dynamic of the couple and your sexuality
Not to distort the truth or retain information to manipulate our partner
Being completely honest with our partner, even if it is at our disadvantage or difficult
Maintain the alliance even though our partner is not
Not letting our emotions take the best of us and focusing on what needs to be done
Reconstructing the alliance is more important than the fact that you lost it
Understand the reasons why and when we lose the alliance
Confront our partner when they have dropped the alliance, by remaining open about our contribution to the lost of it
A collaborative alliance tests your integrity

A collaborative alliance is not a reflex most people will have in a conflict, because it isn’t always advantageous and comfortable to maintain it. Although, it does show our capacity to remain loyal and our level of integrity towards our partner and ourselves. It is based on a profound friendship that obliges us to become better people and become a better partner. It allows us to surpass our biggest obstacles and build a strong foundation for a couple.

It is hard to keep a collaborative alliance, because it requires us to question ourselves at a profound level (solid-flexible self). This reflection can cause an identity crisis where we must redefine ourselves without losing our integrity. It obliges us to make very difficult decisions that determine the nature of our relationship and our future with our spouse. A collaborative alliance throws us in a very uncomfortable zone where it is necessary to confront the question of: do we want to be in this relationship.

Collaborative alliance and our sex lives

It is also present or absent from our sex life. If a person is paying attention to other things during sex and remains in that state, this person has dropped the alliance. If the other partner ignores the missing connexion, it is possible that they have a collusive alliance to avoid getting into a conflict or maybe their wasn’t even an alliance to begin with.

In a collaborative alliance, we are ready to push our level of sexual maturity to develop our erotism and maximize the intimacy we share with our partner. One dares more in sexual behaviours, because we consider our couple and our sex life to be more important than our limitations and difficulties. We take a decision to be more mature sexually and truly enjoy what sex we can have with our lover. We value ourselves and inhibitions fall to make room for our most erotic self and reach our full potential.

Our emotions make us lose our collaborative alliance

To often we let ourselves drop the alliance due to our emotions. When we feel discomfort, uncomfortable, nervous, many will just to cope out and go into one of the other types of alliances. We can let our emotions dictate our behaviours and the future of our relationships. If we were to always base our decisions on our emotions, we wouldn’t go very far in life, because at every bad emotion we might feel, we would come back to our original place. We must learn to self-sooth our emotions and face our limits to be able to reach our full capacity.

Francois Renaud M.A.

Sexologist & Psychotherapist Montreal

* Inspired by the book Intimacy and Desire from David Schnarch