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Different Types of Sexual Desire Part III

How to Achieve Self-Validated Sexual Desire*


There is a fundamental difference between self-validated intimacy and all the other types of desire we mentioned in previous articles. It is on the level of intimacy that we can perceive it; more specifically the perception of ourselves and our authenticity. Feelings of being desirable are based for many people on the perception that their partner has of them. This way of functioning inevitably kills sexual desire in couples who have stayed at the attachment phase of sexual desire. At the beginning of a relationship, we seek to obtain others validation and approval, especially in sex. We want to be desirable in the eyes of our partner, we want to be able to offer sexual pleasure, to seduce and be loved at all cost. All of this is necessary and enjoyable in couples, although in long term relationships this dynamic weighs negatively on sexual desire.

Self-Validation


There are four fundamental elements that play a role in sexual desire in long term relationships.

  • Our self-perception or self-esteem
  • Our partner's perception of us
  • The perception we have of our partner
  • The way we treat and are treated by our partner

These four aspects have an important impact on our own sense of being desirable and the desire we have for our lover. A person can have a high sexual desire, but it isn't necessarily aimed towards their partner's. For which they may have lost respect for during the long years of living and being together. Following a plethora of numerous conflicts, deceptions, rejections, lost of integrity and low blows (Normal Marital Sadism) in their sex lives, they can diminish their admiration for their partner's and their own self-worth. This bring partners to seek for validation from others to feel desirable and desire. This dynamic can be translated in these terms: ''I want you to find me desirable, because I can't find myself to be desirable''.


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We often repeat that a good self-esteem, having confidence and being assertive is sexually desirable. The thing is, in long term relationships we get to see our partner in their most vulnerable states and glimpse at their insecurities. We know when they are seeking approval from us or others. This lowers sexual desire towards one or both partners. This is where alliances between partners in a relationship becomes either collusive,combative or non-existent. This difficult transition for couples to past from a other validated intimacy to self-validated intimacy necessitates a commitment to ourselves and a collaborative alliance in the couple. Certain couples are capable of overcoming these normal hardships with their own volition and emotional balance. On the other hand, many will need help from a sex-therapist who specializes in couples and sexual desire issues. This process with or without a professional obliges partners to self-confront about their anxieties, insecurities, short-comings and learn how to self-validate during periods of intense emotions and sexual intimacy.


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Watch Sensual & Erotic Education webseries!












Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.
Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal




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Webseries 05: Maintaining Sexual Desire: Managing the differences in Sexual Desire




There will always be a partner who has more sexual desire than the other. The way you will manage that difference will have tremendous impact on each partner’s desire and the pleasure you will get out of sex. Changing our relationship patterns is a hard thing to do. Nevertheless, the effort that is necessary to change can bring us great joy and closeness with our partner.


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Connect to your Google account to view videos


16) Patterns between Low Desire Partner & High Desire Partner

Available for free on the 20th-21rst &22nd of March 2015





 the series of 3 videos for 10$

Change the way you perceive and manage different levels of sexual desire.


Are you the high desire partner or low desire partner?
How are you handling that position in the couple?
Are you tired of not having your needs met?
Do you want your partner to stop pressuring you?







17) Different types of alliances in couples


Available for free on the 3rd-4th-5th of April 2015






the series of 3 videos for 10$ 


Handle your relationship's conflict differently by viewing your partner and yourself in a more healthy manner.


How do you handle differences?
Do you tend to avoid conflicts?
Do you argue a lot with your spouse, but nothing get's resolved?
Are you manipulative or easily change your mind, but regret it afterwards?









18) Do you really want to change?


Available for free on the 17th-18th & 19th of April 2015




the series of 3 videos for 10$ 

Changing is hard for anyone, no matter what. 


Are you stuck in a situation that is dissatisfying yet the other outcome doesn't seem that great either?
Are you waiting for your partner to change rather than yourself?
What are you willing to lose if you do change?







Francois Renaud M.A.

Different Types of Sexual Desire Part II

Complexity of Our Relationship and The Influence on Our Sexual Desire


For a long time, humans have tried to understand the mysteries of sexuality and more specifically how to create sexual desire in men and in women. There have been many debates, experiences, research, theories and hypotheses that came forth from the subject. To this day, there is still no consensus because the process of sexual desire is complex, variable, individual and also relational.

The relationship aspect is probably what makes sexual desire in humans the more volatile and unpredictable. It has the capacity to create a very strong desire or it can completely and utterly shut it down. It is also for this reason that brings couples to consult a sexologist in therapy, for difficulty with the level of sexual desire in men and in women. It is actually one of the most difficult issues to treat, but not impossible.

Sexual desire issues are common in relationships for either one or both partners and even a positive thing! Although it is normal, it doesn't make things easier to handle. In fact, contrary to the other categories (physiological and emotional), relational sexual desire follows a linear path. On top of that, it is often associated with one or more of the other types of desires that we described in the previous article. Let us start by describing the different types of sexual desire in the relationship category.

Sexual desire related to relationship dynamics


Passion Phase


The beginning of a relationship is often a mixed spiral of euphoria, passion and novelty that instantly creates in a person sexual desire towards their partner. This step in a relationship is normally satisfying when it comes to sex because both partners feel desirable, desired and desire towards each other. The smallest amount of stimulation or thought that comes from the other person creates sexual arousal and a desire to have sexual activities with that person. It is a desire primarily based on the exploration of the other person which for many cultivates their adventurous and creative side of sexuality.


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Romantic & sexual desire


The second step can quickly happen when both partners fall in love for each other and emotional aspects start to play in the sexual desire. This sexual desire is characterized by the presence of love between partners. They start to know more things about each other and they share a form of intimacy that feels unique to them. A form of admiration starts to settle in which energy motivates and creates sexual desire between the spouses. This drive is often more affectionate, mixed in with sexual and sensual aspects. This desire can be motivated by the want of making a family together and to get closer on an emotional level. At this phase, we tend to find a sexual desire of emotional fusion with the other. This creates the feeling of being unique in the other persons eyes during sex and especially when there is penetration (vaginal, oral or anal). This phase lasts 1 to 3 years, but rarely longer.

Attachment Phase


If a couple is capable of developing feelings of attachment and commitment towards each other, they move on to the next phase of sexual desire. This type of desire has often lost its sexual component and it is replaced with a profound sense of reciprocity and affection. We know our partner better, which also entails knowing the less admirable and desirable traits they have. This weighs heavily on the sexual desire that we have towards them in a negative way. Therefore, there is a decrease in sexual creativity in the couple, a routine is constructed, we start taking our partner for granted, we don't seduce them anymore, sensuality and eroticism disappears. This is especially common in couples who start having children. Unfortunately for some, the length of this phase makes it hard for them to overcome it once the family situation has become more stable.

Generally, much frustration, repetitive conflicts and rejection has created a distance on the sexual aspect of the relationship between the partners. Major differences are made apparent between them, which makes it hard to have sexual desire towards each other. The difference between the levels of sexual desire is something that also comes to be more problematic. This is where we notice that there is a HDP (High Desire Partner) and a LDP (Low Desire Partner). This dynamic of difference between the levels of sexual desire will test the alliance that the couple has built during their years of the relationship.


Self-Validated Desire phase


This fourth and last phase of sexual desire is a tough patch to get through, as it requires work on ourselves and the couple. Many couples decide to stagnate at the previous phase of attachment and the lovers will stay unsatisfied on the sexual level. Others will consider terminating their relationship to solve their sexual and relational difficulties. Some may choose infidelity to satisfy their sexual needs that their partner can't or won't answer. There are others who choose to have an open relationship where one or both partners have sex with other people. The two last options don't truly resolve the dilemmas in the couple. Learn how to get pass this normal phase of your relationship.



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Francois Renaud M.A.
Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal




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Different Types of Sexual Desire

Do you know your sexual needs?

Part I


Sexual desire is one of the most complex and mysterious aspects of human sexuality. The evolution of sexual desire in a person and in couples is a process that can be separated in many steps and it does not respect a linear path. This process is unique for everyone depending on their experiences, their values and perceptions of sexuality. This article will explore different types of sexual desires and their possible varieties in individuals and couples

Categories of sexual desire

Physiological:


Sexual desire can be physiological, which consist of a cocktail of hormones and sensory stimuli (visual, touch, hearing, smell, taste) that give us that urge to have sexual activities. This category of sexual desire is often perceived as animalistic and based on hormones and it calls upon our basic instincts of reproduction and of searching for physical pleasure.
We can actually separate this category in 2 distinct types. The first one is called hygienic, which is when we feel a sexual tension in the area of the genitals that needs to be released by sexual activity such as masturbation or sexual intercourse so that we may feel pleasure following this release. This sexual desire can be created by an accumulation of stress and is transformed into muscular tension in the waist area that needs to be liberated or relaxed. This type of desire is more common in men, but it is also found in many women. It creates a need or desire to liberate the muscular tensions because of the discomfort. This desire doesn't require an emotional or relational aspect to it.
The second type is created by the change in the levels of hormones that are secreted in the body to fulfil our instinct of reproduction. This desire is often in cycles in relation to ovulation in women. Men on the other hand, have a daily cycle of hormones, which make it harder to pinpoint due to the small length of time between them.


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Emotional :


Another category is constructed through emotions. This category is more complex than the last as it has many aspects that come into play. It's important not to mix this category with the sexual desire based on relationships, which is a category in itself. The difference between the physiological and emotional categories it that their is an emotional component that isn't necessarily focused towards another person. For example, one of the types of sexual desire in the emotional category is the desire motivated to have children. This desire is not based solely on the purpose of procreation, but rather on the emotional aspect of wanting a child of our own. This sexual desire tends to disappear once the family has been formed. It is different from the relational category as it doesn't pertain to the relationship to the partner necessarily. It is more common in women and they can tend to lose their sexual desire entirely, once they've had the babies they wanted.

Another type in this category is the desire for penetration or being penetrated. This sexual desire is motivated by a the need for sexual activities where penetration is present and a central focus of sex. The sensations are strongly related and focused by the desire to penetrate or be penetrated and satisfaction will not be achieved if there is lack thereof.

We can also find a type of sexual desire that is based on the need to fulfil emotional needs of affection, but that is transformed into sexual arousal. This need is met when we make love in a romantic, tender and loving way. Touches are more soft, slow and sensual and we kiss slowly with intent.

Finally, the erotic or carnal sexual desire is characterized by a sexual and emotional intensity where there is a profound liberation of inhibitions and of letting ourselves go entirely to our pleasure. Theses sexual activities are filled with creativity, newness and a certain ferocity that brings partners in a torrid sexual exchange and sensuality. Often shared with a partner that we've known for quite a while, some are only capable of feeling this type of sexual desire with strangers in one night stands.

Nota Bene


It is possible that theses multiple categories and types of sexual desire are combined together and they are not exclusive from one another. Each one brings a different dynamic and approach to sexual activities and the attitudes are variable according to the person. Sexual desire can be influenced by a variety of elements such as anxiety, sexual preferences, our Modes of Sexual Arousal (MSA), our needs at the present moment or the relationship we have with our sexual partner. There is no major difference between genders when it comes to different types and categories of sexual desire. Finally, the relationships component brings us to our last category of sexual desire. Read the rest...


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Francois Renaud M.A.
Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal




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Women's fierce sexuality

Gender roles are changing



There is a misconception that women either don't like sex or aren't really interested in doing it. We portray women as liking sex because it has an emotional component to it and they can feel more connected to their partner. As much as gender roles are changing, women who actually demonstrate and say they like sex because they feel sexual pleasure are openly or secretly branded as being nymphomaniacs or worse «sluts». Girls will seldom brag to their friends about their masturbation sessions as boys will do in their teenage years. Yet, they masturbate just as much. They want to know as much about sex as the boys, but will hide their curiosity or desires to avoid being stigmatized.

There is guilt associated with female sexuality and a double standard, even if it isn't openly said these days. Men are portrayed as the sexual beings who are always ready and want it all the time in a heterosexual relationship. If the roles are reversed, men tend to feel threaten by their female partner's sexuality and feel less manly. Most of the time, they won't admit feeling diminished because that would be showing their vulnerability, which makes them feel even less like a man.


Protecting yourself and your partner's ego


Women pick up on these dynamics and what they rather end up doing is being disinterested in sex rather than showing their own eroticism to their partners. They protect men's egos so that they (women) don't get branded with being a nymphomaniac. So we perpetuate the myth that men are the sexually charged gender in our societies. While in fact women's sexuality has been repressed for so many generations they don't even realize their full sexual potential.

This tends to create a High Desire Partner (HDP) and Low Desire Partner (LDP) dynamic and creates conflicts in long-term relationships. Now, not all women are more sexual then men, but it is a truth in certain relationships that is highly ignored in today's relationships and should be addressed more often.


Why women don't have sexual desire?


Typically, when couples consult a sex-therapist for differences in sexual desire, we assume the woman is the LDP (Low DesirePartner). Most of the time, when that is the case, it's not because she doesn't like sex...she doesn't like it with her partner. She's actually bored with sex, because her level of eroticism is more developed than his and she's afraid to show it. Either she's avoiding being judged by him or she doesn't want to hurt his feelings by emasculating him. This demonstrates a lack of intimacy in their relationship, where neither partner is willing to face the hard truth about their sexuality. This limitation on the perception of masculinity and femininity creates many sexual difficulties that could be avoided by having a larger view of these gender roles.


Why do men lose sexual desire?


You might be surprised to hear, but fifty percent (50%) of the time in therapy, the man is the one who is the LDP. When this happens, it is not that he is bored as women tend to be, but feels threaten by his partner's sexuality and eroticism. When he picks up after awhile that she has more desire, more initiative, more creativity and sexual huffmp than him, he loses his feelings of being a man. This creates a lack in desire in men because he doesn't feel up to the challenge to please his partner and therefore gets demotivated to have sex.

Men are thought and are perceived as being the ones who educate women on their bodies and sexuality. They are the ones that lead and get their desires fulfilled, which makes them feel competent as men. They get a sense of pride out of playing that role, but when they don't have those aspects to hold on to, they don't feel good about themselves.

Man up! Woman up!


As an adult, it is time to grow up and mature in our sexuality and capacity to be truly intimate with our partner. Sex should be pleasurable, fun, playful and enjoyable. When it stops being that way, it is time to reflect on your sexual maturity and deal with your short-comings. If you feel threaten or intimidated by your partner's eroticism and sexuality see it as a challenge to overcome rather than an obstacle that you want to avoid. Bring yourself to push your personal limits and get your funk on!

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Women should not feel ashamed about sex and should demand what they sexually desire. Sex is one of the most beautiful and extraordinary ways you can connect with a person and feel loved. It is also a wonderful activity to share pleasure and reach ecstasy through our minds and bodies. Passing up that opportunity to protect your partner or from what other people might think of you isn't worth it, considering what you are losing for yourself.

Men need to acknowledge their limitations and try to surpass them rather than avoid them. Sex is not a competition or a performance, but a shared activity that requires you take care of yourself and your partner to enjoy the moment. NOT TO IMPRESS SOMEONE!




Want to learn more?


Watch the Sensual & Erotic Education webseries












Learn more about the author

Francois Renaud M.A.
Sex therapist & psychotherapist in Downtown Montreal




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